Nine Weeks Yesterday
So my family & closest friends already know by now, but we have scheduled my total hysterectomy... it is in 9 weeks, as of yesterday. May 21st. Emotions are high and mixed. I think what made it harder was that I was confronted with speaking to Z's birthmom on the phone the other evening. Hearing her voice reminds me that he is not from my own womb (I often forget that, actually!). And it makes the reality that my womb will never grow a life that much more difficult. I am sad and there is a sense of loss. But strangely, I am a little excited as well... I will finally have this "mess" behind me. And it IS a mess. Literally. My specialist/surgeon at UNC has to have a colorectal surgeon to assist with takedown of the severe adhesions to ensure my sigmoid colon is not perforated, given that the left side of my uterus is attached to that part of the large intestine. I am hoping that removing the 9cm mass on the left ovary and 4cm mass on the right ovary (along w/ the ovaries themselves and the uterus, of course) leave me a little room in my tummy to begin wearing the right size clothes again!
What's making this all seem "right" is something I took away from a recent sermon at church, where we are doing a "One Month to Live" series. (You should check it out by the way, HERE). My pastor was talking about not allowing something temporary affect us in the permanent. In the long-run, my infertility is not a problem I want to define ME as a person. It's not a permanent problem. I can still be a mother. God has chosen a different path for me and for my husband and for our family. That path does not include carrying a baby. I have come to terms with it, although wrestled with God about it, praying that someone would offer a "healing prayer" or a miraculous baby would just show up inside of me one day... but now I know that it's time. Time to let it go. I've kept the faith and fought the good fight. And now God is saying, "Let it go." This temporary storm has been one that has brought me & my husband closer to the Lord, brought Z to us, even brought a few in as new followers of Christ. And now, this will be just part of the story of my life, a thread in the fabric of my life... it isn't over yet for me! I anticipate with excitement how God will use me in another way to help others, maybe with infertility, adoption, or other struggles we've been through. I've allowed this temporary "mountain" hold me back long enough from the dreams and the future God has for me. I'm not giving up, I'm letting it go. And I'm only looking ahead.
What's making this all seem "right" is something I took away from a recent sermon at church, where we are doing a "One Month to Live" series. (You should check it out by the way, HERE). My pastor was talking about not allowing something temporary affect us in the permanent. In the long-run, my infertility is not a problem I want to define ME as a person. It's not a permanent problem. I can still be a mother. God has chosen a different path for me and for my husband and for our family. That path does not include carrying a baby. I have come to terms with it, although wrestled with God about it, praying that someone would offer a "healing prayer" or a miraculous baby would just show up inside of me one day... but now I know that it's time. Time to let it go. I've kept the faith and fought the good fight. And now God is saying, "Let it go." This temporary storm has been one that has brought me & my husband closer to the Lord, brought Z to us, even brought a few in as new followers of Christ. And now, this will be just part of the story of my life, a thread in the fabric of my life... it isn't over yet for me! I anticipate with excitement how God will use me in another way to help others, maybe with infertility, adoption, or other struggles we've been through. I've allowed this temporary "mountain" hold me back long enough from the dreams and the future God has for me. I'm not giving up, I'm letting it go. And I'm only looking ahead.
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