Control Freaks
So we are control freaks. There. I admit it.
We are 100% Type A control freaks. We are list-keepers and item-crosser-offers. We adore predictability. We like to plan ahead, make arrangements, put away for the winter, know what's ahead of us and then basically orchestrate the steps before, during, and after that "thing". We will ensure that we are taken care of.
"What wrong with that?" you might ask. Self-sufficiency is a good thing. To a point. Glorification of your own self-sufficiency issometimes always a sure-fire way to separate yourself from spontaneity, from freedom of guilt, and from our Creator. The Creator of the stars and blue birds and mountain ranges and the desires of our very own hearts.
Let me back up and give you some insight into this revelation I/we had this evening. But first I am going to rewind even further. When we were matched with our birthmom 3 weeks ago, we found out that she was due in 3.5 weeks. YIKES. With our other adoption experience, we had 6 MONTHS to plan, get to know our birthmom, decide on a name, get all the stuff we needed, design a fabulous nursery, even fly out to meet our birthmom. Establishing a relationship with her allowed us access to her via phone/text/email at any time. She was wonderful about voluntarily sharing all updates from the doctor visits (which she never missed), wanted us to be in-the-know all the time (sometimes it was way too much TMI, haha), and we felt included on the whole experience. It was not an "easy" experience, not by a long shot. If you read our blogs back then you know the whole month spent in OKC was long, dramatic and full of faith-building. Haha. But looking back, it allowed the planners in us ability to somehow feel somewhat more in control of a situation that we truly had no control over.
Cut to this 2nd adoption. With 3 weeks left with a birthmom who literally could "go any day now," we went into a whole 'nother realm of planning. How do you plan for a baby in just 3 short weeks? And it's a girl, and we have all BOY stuff. We had to scramble to figure out work arrangements (trust me when I say it's not easy when you're the sole nurse practitioner of a VERY busy GI practice)... nursery setup with a husband who can't put any weight on his left leg at all (thanks to family who came to set up cribs & shelving & stuff)... ensure we have the basics for a new baby (all our stuff was outdated/expired like car seats, etc). Balance that with the knowledge of Christmas coming and realizing you needed to finish up Christmas shopping and wrapping before the arrival of said-baby... and still trying to work full-time, keep the family fed, maintain homework/school/normal everyday activities... and you have one extremely run down female over here.
Not only did we have a LOT of scrambling and planning-and-executing-said-plan, but this adoption has been very different. First of all, we will probably miss the birth because this delivery will likely progress quickly. Also, the birthmom is very private and did not necessarily want to meet or talk before the delivery (which is fine, and totally her choice!). But we know NOTHING. We don't know how her doctor visits go unless the agency she's with updates us. We don't know how she's feeling - both physically and emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I've been praying that God fills her with peace and comfort during this time and that he keeps baby girl safe and healthy. That's all we can do. But the "not knowing" has been eating me alive. I am one that in order to plan, I must "know". In "not knowing" I can't plan ... I can't plan my emotions, my responses to her choice of giving this baby life and then placing that life in our hands. I can't prepare my heart for the unknown!
Today we had a pre-placement meeting by phone with our adoption group, AIS. Since we felt very lost (communication has not been as clear this time around with a different situation), they met with us to set the expectations of adoption in Florida.
"Plan to be there for 2 weeks after the baby is born" --- ummm we had planned on 1 week, thanks very much. (Not that we can control that, but that is what we had PLANNED, haha)
"Anticipate that you will probably not know which hospital she delivers at until you land in Florida." --- we knew the hospital our 1st birthmom was delivering the baby at, and not only that, we even visited the hospital and planned the quickest route!
"You will probably NOT get a hospital room this time to spend all your time from birth til discharge with the baby." --- we got our own room at the hospital in OKC and he stayed with us except to go to the nursery for checks. I feel this was an ideal way to bond with our new baby, and we won't necessarily get that luxury this time. This was a MAJOR blow to me today. We will probably have to stay in the hotel unless at the hospital nursery or in her hospital room.... and like I said she is very private. If I were her, I wouldn't want total strangers in my postpartum room.
When we hung up the phone, although I felt much more informed, I also felt very anxious and overwhelmed. I felt very small... all of this - everything - is out of our control. We can do nothing but show up and pray. The emotions overcame me at that moment, and as the tears fell and fell, we held hands and prayed for peace. Peace for T, our birthmom, and her selfless loving decision she's made for this baby girl. Peace for Zane as we transition into a family of 4, and anticipate that we may miss Christmas with him and be away from him for 2 whole weeks! (Thankfully if it looks as if we are spending Christmas in FL, my mom has already said she will fly him down to be with us)
And lastly, we prayed for peace for us. For us to remember that we don't have to lean on our own understanding - it won't make sense anyway from a worldly point of view. For us to rely on Jesus' lordship over ALL in this situation - the unknown included & the things we cannot control. For us to recall his promises He made to us in the past and kept and the promises He's made to us for our present and our future that He will once again keep. For us to lean on Him, trust in Him, even in the total darkness of the unknown. We don't have to crawl around in the dark on our hands and knees praying for light. He IS the light and we just hold on to the edge of his garment and let Him lead us to the promised land.
I actually find it comical that God would choose to place us - the control freaks, the planners, the list-makers - in this very situation. Isn't that just like God, to use our situation to prune the dead fruit from our own lives during the waiting period of his harvest? As we learn to trust in Him and not to our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5,6), we become free to not need to plan. To know that He is in control and that nothing surprises HIM! So here we are, days - perhaps hours - away from the call. And we are totally not in control... and we are learning to be okay with that.
We are 100% Type A control freaks. We are list-keepers and item-crosser-offers. We adore predictability. We like to plan ahead, make arrangements, put away for the winter, know what's ahead of us and then basically orchestrate the steps before, during, and after that "thing". We will ensure that we are taken care of.
"What wrong with that?" you might ask. Self-sufficiency is a good thing. To a point. Glorification of your own self-sufficiency is
Let me back up and give you some insight into this revelation I/we had this evening. But first I am going to rewind even further. When we were matched with our birthmom 3 weeks ago, we found out that she was due in 3.5 weeks. YIKES. With our other adoption experience, we had 6 MONTHS to plan, get to know our birthmom, decide on a name, get all the stuff we needed, design a fabulous nursery, even fly out to meet our birthmom. Establishing a relationship with her allowed us access to her via phone/text/email at any time. She was wonderful about voluntarily sharing all updates from the doctor visits (which she never missed), wanted us to be in-the-know all the time (sometimes it was way too much TMI, haha), and we felt included on the whole experience. It was not an "easy" experience, not by a long shot. If you read our blogs back then you know the whole month spent in OKC was long, dramatic and full of faith-building. Haha. But looking back, it allowed the planners in us ability to somehow feel somewhat more in control of a situation that we truly had no control over.
Cut to this 2nd adoption. With 3 weeks left with a birthmom who literally could "go any day now," we went into a whole 'nother realm of planning. How do you plan for a baby in just 3 short weeks? And it's a girl, and we have all BOY stuff. We had to scramble to figure out work arrangements (trust me when I say it's not easy when you're the sole nurse practitioner of a VERY busy GI practice)... nursery setup with a husband who can't put any weight on his left leg at all (thanks to family who came to set up cribs & shelving & stuff)... ensure we have the basics for a new baby (all our stuff was outdated/expired like car seats, etc). Balance that with the knowledge of Christmas coming and realizing you needed to finish up Christmas shopping and wrapping before the arrival of said-baby... and still trying to work full-time, keep the family fed, maintain homework/school/normal everyday activities... and you have one extremely run down female over here.
Not only did we have a LOT of scrambling and planning-and-executing-said-plan, but this adoption has been very different. First of all, we will probably miss the birth because this delivery will likely progress quickly. Also, the birthmom is very private and did not necessarily want to meet or talk before the delivery (which is fine, and totally her choice!). But we know NOTHING. We don't know how her doctor visits go unless the agency she's with updates us. We don't know how she's feeling - both physically and emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I've been praying that God fills her with peace and comfort during this time and that he keeps baby girl safe and healthy. That's all we can do. But the "not knowing" has been eating me alive. I am one that in order to plan, I must "know". In "not knowing" I can't plan ... I can't plan my emotions, my responses to her choice of giving this baby life and then placing that life in our hands. I can't prepare my heart for the unknown!
Today we had a pre-placement meeting by phone with our adoption group, AIS. Since we felt very lost (communication has not been as clear this time around with a different situation), they met with us to set the expectations of adoption in Florida.
"Plan to be there for 2 weeks after the baby is born" --- ummm we had planned on 1 week, thanks very much. (Not that we can control that, but that is what we had PLANNED, haha)
"Anticipate that you will probably not know which hospital she delivers at until you land in Florida." --- we knew the hospital our 1st birthmom was delivering the baby at, and not only that, we even visited the hospital and planned the quickest route!
"You will probably NOT get a hospital room this time to spend all your time from birth til discharge with the baby." --- we got our own room at the hospital in OKC and he stayed with us except to go to the nursery for checks. I feel this was an ideal way to bond with our new baby, and we won't necessarily get that luxury this time. This was a MAJOR blow to me today. We will probably have to stay in the hotel unless at the hospital nursery or in her hospital room.... and like I said she is very private. If I were her, I wouldn't want total strangers in my postpartum room.
When we hung up the phone, although I felt much more informed, I also felt very anxious and overwhelmed. I felt very small... all of this - everything - is out of our control. We can do nothing but show up and pray. The emotions overcame me at that moment, and as the tears fell and fell, we held hands and prayed for peace. Peace for T, our birthmom, and her selfless loving decision she's made for this baby girl. Peace for Zane as we transition into a family of 4, and anticipate that we may miss Christmas with him and be away from him for 2 whole weeks! (Thankfully if it looks as if we are spending Christmas in FL, my mom has already said she will fly him down to be with us)
And lastly, we prayed for peace for us. For us to remember that we don't have to lean on our own understanding - it won't make sense anyway from a worldly point of view. For us to rely on Jesus' lordship over ALL in this situation - the unknown included & the things we cannot control. For us to recall his promises He made to us in the past and kept and the promises He's made to us for our present and our future that He will once again keep. For us to lean on Him, trust in Him, even in the total darkness of the unknown. We don't have to crawl around in the dark on our hands and knees praying for light. He IS the light and we just hold on to the edge of his garment and let Him lead us to the promised land.
I actually find it comical that God would choose to place us - the control freaks, the planners, the list-makers - in this very situation. Isn't that just like God, to use our situation to prune the dead fruit from our own lives during the waiting period of his harvest? As we learn to trust in Him and not to our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5,6), we become free to not need to plan. To know that He is in control and that nothing surprises HIM! So here we are, days - perhaps hours - away from the call. And we are totally not in control... and we are learning to be okay with that.
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